I am back from wherever i was and i am back to blogging. I was in a world unknown to some people called depression and the depression monster had reared his ugly head again. I laied in bed for 2 days not feeling alive. Feeling like i could lay down and sleep forever. I had a friend tell me once that exercise helps with depression. Well i had been exercising for the last 2weeks faithfully now and the only thing that has happend to me is I gained 8 pounds, Walked like i was 90 years old the next day. And couldnt move because the slightest thought of moving would send me into a state of agony. Which made me feel more worthless and old. Ha well i laied there thinking is this it? What next so i got myself out of bed one day and looked at myself in the mirror and saw the effects of depression staring back at me in my face. What i saw was this. The woman looking at me is not the woman i want to be of feel like i am. I am super good at making people think i am this happy go-lucky person without a care in the world when the real truth lies deeep within. So I stared at the depressed woman verses the fake persona of a woman that i have led most people to believe. And what she said to me was "CRYSTAL WAKE UP"!! It startled me a bit. The greasy unwashed hair, the worn unhappy face the baggy sweat pants and thought to myself what the heck is wrong with you? So I brushed my teeth brushed my greasy hair and changed into some clean workout clothes and went at it again. I am not the super nice person I wished I was when I am depressed I dont want my kids to suffer from what is my own personal struggle with life and I sure dont want them to witness the effects. So I head out the door and walk to the corner of the road where a sidewalk is. I start off walking and then run and then walk and then run. It was pleasent outside i felt the wind hitting my skin and i took a deep breath.......... AHHHHHHHHHH Nice i felt like i breathed in the new and exhaled the old I did this for the next 20 minutes I returned home to my children and hugged them. This is my start to a brand new day....:) No matter how bad I feel or how hard it is or how many excuses i want to make. I will no longer sit and feel sorry for myself. I will no longer take the way i feel about myself out on my children. i will live for me and not for everyone else around me. Its is time for me to live live live.......LIVE..........
2 comments:
Well I am glad you kicked it's ass!!! That is such an accomplishment. I know I suffer from depression too and it is so hard to kick the bad feelings. i just want to let you know that what you did is amazing.
I know how you feel about the frustration with exercising so much and losing nothing. Ihit the gym really hard for about 6 months and lost maybe 6 pounds. Everyone says I look alot better but I felt depressed. Try and remember you are getting stronger gaining muscle and it weighs more than fat. Even though I only lost 6 obs I dropped 2 sizes in myclothes so I'm still at it. Not everyone is going to be a super skinny beauty that crap is all faked anyhow. Your beautiful because you are you even on your worst days. Life has become really faked and it says alot that you aren't buying into it. So chin up. We'll make it!
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