GODS CHILDREN AND MY BABIES!!

This morning i got home from work. Not wanting to wake the kids up because i knew it was Going to be a cold yucky day out and not to mention we were supposed to get a blizzard.:) The kids wake and were in the living room i was making some calls to pay some bills ahhhhhhhhhh yes its the Friday that i get paid!! ha ha and bill collectors are a calling (did i mention i hate them)Well anyhow i hear the kids talking in the living room Trinity saying to Elijah whispering not too loud but loud enough where i am sure she knew i could hear her. " I wished mom would just let us stay home from school today!" not yet knowing of my already plans of doing just that. I call them in the bedroom and i heard them scramble to get up and come to the room where i lay because they knew I could possibly have some exciting news or they were n trouble. Either way the possibility of it being just what they wanted outweighed the latter . I tell them hey guys if you can manage not to fight yoU guys can hang out here today because of the weather YAYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!! I LOVE YOU MOM!! And they run off "Lets play the game! I'm first! No I am! And you see how long the no fighting rule lasted? Anyhow this weekend my son was supposed to get to go see his dad after more than 2 months of not seeing him. He is short of reliable when it comes to this matter. So i went into the living room knowing i was going to have to tell Elijah "you cant go see your dad this weekend because it isn't safe enough to drive to Kansas city" I lay down to prepare for this because he usually cries and has severe attitude problems when it come to these things especially when his dad is involved. Him and his dad were best friends when we were married but that didn't last long after we were divorced his dad disappeared only to resurface a year later and only calls when the time is good for him. So i say "Elijah!!!" here he comes "what mommy?" Elijah... I started he looked at me with such sweet loving eyes. Ummm... honey I don't think we can make it to go see your dad this weekend the weather isn't good and its too dangerous to drive. He did just what I expected.... He fell to his knees beside the sofa where I lay and started to cry... But very quietly while he buried his head in my arm I explained its OK baby mommy loves you and thats what matters. Daddy should come here to see you sometimes if he wants to really see you it Will happen. I am not very good at these things especially when i see my child hurting and the big huge tears falling from his beautiful brown eyes. "Come on honey want to lay down with mom? So my big boy of ten years goes and gets a blanket and a pillow without hesitation and curls up on the sofa with me...... The same child that says i am embarrassing because when i drop him off at school I purposely call him sweet names and yell "I LOVE YOU BUBBA" He gets so embarrassed its funny. But this cold morning it was nice to have my child lay beside me and cuddle because God knows i needed it too!!..... THANK GOD FOR MY CHILDREN THEY AMAZE ME.

MEAN PEOPLE WEAR FUR!! ... NO REALLY THEY DO !!

OK so i have been struggling with either writing this blog or not writing this blog...I figured what they hay!! I have a real problem with mean people (my definition of a mean person)= someone who is never happy enough with themselves so they feel the need to make someone else miserable. I know of a person in my life that is just like that. Shall we call her ummmm Gretchen. This person is a family member and I have always loved her dearly and always got along with her until ... DUN DA DUN DUHHHHH .....She moved to Kansas I don't know what happened when she moved to Kansas but let me tell you... She has made every effort possible to pick on every move i have made in my life she thinks just because I prefer to be private about some things in my life and don't tell everyone every detail about what may or may not have happened. Well i guess this means i am a whiner and am trying to get everyone to feel sorry for me... HA HA. Or how about this one just because i wear makeup and fix myself up for big events family related that i am self absorbed and fake. I didn't know that it was a crime to take care of yourself? I thought we had this problem between the 2 of us settled. Well low and behold here she came again with another blow to my face, or abdomen or whatever else she could find to stomp on. Yesterday the comment she made on one of my blogs was unheard of and i was completely taken aback once again she was hateful and mean and put information out that she had no right to put out. (That information being that I had an abortion!!) OK i knew it was wrong i knew it took a life of one of gods children. I was 20 years old at the time and didn't know what else to do. I didn't even know she knew about this. But anyhow what she doesn't know is the issues the unborn fetus was facing. The Dr had given me an antibiotic and failed to do a pregnancy test when she gave it to me the antibiotic caused birth defects well.... low and behold I found myself pregnant. The Dr. did an exam and asked me when the last time I had a period was I was like well.... i had one last month but for the last 2 months they weren't regular. she did an exam and found out that I was indeed pregnant but my uterus was much smaller than it should have been well it was monitored over the next few months and the baby wasn't growing... Yes my baby was sick. The doctor then explained to me that the baby could be born without limbs or have some other grotesque problem and probably would not make it to birth and if it did wouldn't live long... So I had a very hard and important decision to make. I choose an abortion so i do believe it was a baby lost not a baby killed so thank you Gretchen for airing my dirty laundry in a comment on a blog on facebook. YOUR SWELL.:( Just some things are better left untouched because maybe you will not know all the details of the story. tetracycline was the antibiotic that i was given google it you will see what it can do. The thing i don't understand Gretchen is why did you comment on a comment from one of my blog readers after i was just telling them thank you for reading and explained that my depression started after i lost a baby.... you had to make it clear to the whole world i had an abortion why was that necessary? I didn't feel it necessary to let people know how I lost my baby. Just that it was a factor played in my depression..Guess where i struggle to understand is how could someone be so cold mean and vindictive? Is it for your own pleasure? I guess i will never know because I am not one of those people just remember i do forgive i just cant forget. Christian women do not judge remember? It is not our jobs to judge just to love unconditionally. Just because someone dosent behave in the maner you do dosent make it wrong for someone to be who they are. Many thanks to all who read my blogs and enjoy them I love you all
Crystal

OLD PEOPLE DUST!!

The other day my kids and i were talking just casually and my ten year old . bless his heart he is so funny:) i couldn't help but laugh at him an i still chuckle today. I am standing in front of the washer with the mound of clothes that manage to appear magically on a daily basis. I don't know how it happens or if there is this laundry fairy that dumps clothes in the basket or on the kids bedroom floors. But i am about to find me that fairy and make sure she doesn't sprinkle laundry on my floor no more. Why cant i get one of those fancy fairies that sprinkle the good stuff like pretty shinny dust or money for heavens sake? Anyhow he asks me inquisitively mommy why r you washing your sheets again? Not like my kids don't already think that i am crazy already because i have this clean freak issue that they don't understand and probably never will. I mean how did I manage to breed children that are the sloppiest kids on earth? I turn to him and say Elijah well grandpa stayed here last night with you and your sister while I was at work. He looks at me puzzled and says uhhhhhhhh YEAH? Well my dad you see has psoriasis. And if anyone knows what psoriasis is it is a skin disease that causes severely dry skin that flakes off and i mean all over the place kinda like a surprise snow storm on a summer day.Well he has it in his hair and not just a little like really bad and all over. So when he stays with my kids when I am at work he sleeps in my bed because I don't sleep there anyhow.(The couch has become my bestie) because like I ever get to sleep anyhow!! So he stayed at my house the other day and I guess his psoriasis has been really bad lately because I had little white flakes all over the place UGHHHHHHHHHHH I love my father but I cant be honest and tell him hey dad you know your leaving your dry skin all over the place!!. But anyhow back on track my son looks at me and I look at him and he says I know mom!! I was surprised and i said what do you know Elijah? You have to wash your sheets because well.....grandpa has flaky skin and it gets everywhere!! the other night. He further goes on to explain when grandpa stayed here. I said yes?.... He said he got stuff everywhere and it got in my hair that's why when you were fixing my hair the other day i had grandpa flakes in my hair because he is shedding.... ha ha OH MY GOODNESS..... Shedding? Whatever do you mean he looks at me so innocently and so serious at the same time and said you know OLD PEOPLE DUST!! I liked to have died laughing so this is what i get to live with everyday my kids are so funny and they always say things that I would never imagine. I LOVE MY KIDS. Thanks Elijah for the funny story i love you baby boy.

THE DEPRESSION MONSTER

I am back from wherever i was and i am back to blogging. I was in a world unknown to some people called depression and the depression monster had reared his ugly head again. I laied in bed for 2 days not feeling alive. Feeling like i could lay down and sleep forever. I had a friend tell me once that exercise helps with depression. Well i had been exercising for the last 2weeks faithfully now and the only thing that has happend to me is I gained 8 pounds, Walked like i was 90 years old the next day. And couldnt move because the slightest thought of moving would send me into a state of agony. Which made me feel more worthless and old. Ha well i laied there thinking is this it? What next so i got myself out of bed one day and looked at myself in the mirror and saw the effects of depression staring back at me in my face. What i saw was this. The woman looking at me is not the woman i want to be of feel like i am. I am super good at making people think i am this happy go-lucky person without a care in the world when the real truth lies deeep within. So I stared at the depressed woman verses the fake persona of a woman that i have led most people to believe. And what she said to me was "CRYSTAL WAKE UP"!! It startled me a bit. The greasy unwashed hair, the worn unhappy face the baggy sweat pants and thought to myself what the heck is wrong with you? So I brushed my teeth brushed my greasy hair and changed into some clean workout clothes and went at it again. I am not the super nice person I wished I was when I am depressed I dont want my kids to suffer from what is my own personal struggle with life and I sure dont want them to witness the effects. So I head out the door and walk to the corner of the road where a sidewalk is. I start off walking and then run and then walk and then run. It was pleasent outside i felt the wind hitting my skin and i took a deep breath.......... AHHHHHHHHHH Nice i felt like i breathed in the new and exhaled the old I did this for the next 20 minutes I returned home to my children and hugged them. This is my start to a brand new day....:) No matter how bad I feel or how hard it is or how many excuses i want to make. I will no longer sit and feel sorry for myself. I will no longer take the way i feel about myself out on my children. i will live for me and not for everyone else around me. Its is time for me to live live live.......LIVE..........

SKINNY WAL-MART WOMAN. VS. THE FULL FIGGURED SHOPPER

OH WAL-MART!!:) Sunday here it is I am in walmart at 6 am. Yes I said 6 am I had an important event to attend here i am stuck in kansas city and I of course being the woman i am wasnt happy with the attire I had brought. But this is a great excuse to buy something new!!Not that wal-mart would normally be my first choice but well..... i took what i could get at 6 am. SO I start to browse the oh so lovely choices of walmart attire!!so I pick up a cute top that I thought might be cute on me or so I thought I take it and ask the older walmart woman "maam" may I please use the dressing room? I have an event to be to at 7 am and well...She looks at me puzzled and starts to search .well... just a minute!! she looks around and takes me to the dressing room area and she said what time does the rooms open? The other woman replied 7am. I said oh please can you make an exception this time only please?.... ha ha yeah right like they are really going to remember me in another 2 weeks when i am in the same walmart and having the same issues..:) HA HA I FIND THIS AMUSING!. She obliged and let me in I thanked her and get in the room and try on my 1st choice. ha ha well OMG.....Have you ever seen a cat trying to get out of a paper bag? well there ya go! but this paper bag was a seafoam green.I leave the dressng room after of course re-dressing thank god. Now wouldnt that be a story at wal-mart that day between the employess? About the woman that came in at 6 am and walked around in the store half naked!! Ok so I go and look for more choices and find another that I truely liked so I got the same shirt in all 3 colors. took my selections back to the dressing rooms where a skinny cute girl stood all oF maybe 24 or so.... She let me in I tried on my selections once again. Somewhat pleased I emerge from the dressing room with a dim witted smile on my face and the girl looks at me with approval and says oh I like that shirt on you! very cute. I decide that this is the one after a few moments of tugging and pulling. The girl looks at me and says unbutton the last 2 buttons so I do what she says and wow its even cuter.... She looks at me and says do I look 4 and 1/2 months pregnant to you? Shocked i looked at her and well..... should i answer? is she looking for an ego trip or was this going to head in a different direction? I mean who asks that out of the blue? I said no u dont.... thinking your so skinny I dont even know where you would hide a baby!!And I walked away thinking i needed a little hoodie to cover up any remaining imperfections that i may have at 33 almost 34. So i am walking around looking for the perfect hoodie and crap here comes the skinny almost non existant pregnant girl!!! She approached me and said to me you know your so cute!! and i must say that you have a really cute shape for a full figgured woman!! I looked at her in shock and disbelief!! UHHHHH THANKS I GUESS ... WHILE UNDER MY BREATHE I AM CURSING HER AND HOPING THAT SHE FALL DOWN AND THRASH AROUND VIOLENTLLY. THINKING OMG.... LADY DID YOUR SKINNY ASS JUST CALL ME FAT IN A NICE WAY? HA HA WELL LET ME SHOW YOU HOW MY FULL FIGGURED FOOT WILL FEEL U YOUR STICK THIN@#$$$$$%%%$###@@!!@....... I WALKED AWAY AND PURCHASED MY ITEMS ONLY TO RETURN SOMEDAY AND GIVE THAT WOMAN HELL AT 5 AM THIS TIME.....

AHHHHHHHHHH HEAR THAT?

Ok so here i am twice in one day. I just got a call from my daughter, Remember the 13 year old that often finds the faults of her mother hilarious. Anyhow she says mom can i spend the night with Taylor? YESSSSSSS..... THANK GOD!! My son earlier had called and asked a similar question but with the words De-anthony in it..... I am now free of fighting yelling and tattle telling for one evening ohhhhhhhhh BOY what do i do with the time god has given me? I plan to take a bath.... go to my faboooooo sister in laws house to work out. And for once eat a dinner that does not consist of fighting with my children and trying to convince them that vegetable oil is not a vegetable and is not healthy for you if you fry your food in it. (MY HUSBAND HAS THE SAME VIEWS ON THIS WAY OF EATING..... HES 6 FOOT 4 AND WEIGHS 178lbs I SO HATE HIM LOL HE EATS WHATEVER HE WANTS)Anyhow i am so excited of the idea That i get to be kid free,stress free and drama free this evening. That i run my bath water and start to think....... crap:( i have to work tonight at 11 pm .... JUST SO YOU UNDERSTAND THE COMPLETE GIST OF WHAT I MEAN I WORK WITH KIDS AT A LEVEL 6 PSYCHIATRIC FACILITY...... SO ALL MY THOUGHTS OF PEACE AND TRANQUILITY WERE ONCE AGAIN STOMPED ON AND THROWN AWAY.,,,, OH WELL THERE IS ALWAYS NEXT WEEK OR HOW ABOUT ON SATURDAY ON MY DAY OFF? .....WELL SEE :)WELCOME TO MY WORLD!!!

The 30s blues.

Ok isnt it bad enough that we as women have to run the role of beauty queens for a day everyday? Why do we feel the need to torture ourselves on a daily basis of exercise,diet,makeup and the perfect hairstyle? Well..... we are women that is why!!... hey you dont question my need of a daily regimine that would send most people to live at the funny farm:) I would like to think of it as i am taking care of myself although couldnt we as women just been given the ability to wiggle our nose and have everything we wanted! the perfect body persay!! Darn that witch... ha ha anyhow i am now in my 30s and as a woman that is a joke enough in itself. I woke up one morning and took a seat on my sofa just for a few minutes you see. And low and behold here comes my 13 year old daughter.. HI mamma ! she greeted me. I in turn said hi there .... and all the while she has focused her attention on my face somewhere in the lip region and starts to laugh hysterically. OK it is no big secret that i have a woman stache... because god for some reason thought it would be funny to start growing hair on our faces after we hit 30. Well im not laughing i am now having to spend money on getting hair removed that i could use for a vacation somewhere..... Well as i ask her whats wrong she looks at me fairly puzzed and says..... ummm Mom you have a mustache! I said i know that. But its just blond hair and every woman has it! She once again looked at me giggled and said no mom the hair is black......My eyes widened and i gasped and said ..NO IT ISNT!! So completely taken aback and worried that i am now becoming my mother i run to the bathroom and approach the mirror...... low and behold there it was looking back at me in the mirror a black woman-manstache OMG!! how did I not know it was there? I look at myself every morning! Why did i not recognize it? I was so emabaressed... I just knew everyone had seen it because it now had neon print on it with a shinny glowing light as to announce to the whole world Crystal has a mustache!! So I go to the store hoping and praying that someone else does not see my manstache-woman catapilar lip. I go straight to the hair removal isle and hope i could find something to take all the hair away.... My daughter is looking at me and watching my every move and looks at me and says why does it have to be this difficult? I look at her rolled my eyes and kept looking. She said just shave it mom!! UGHHH we all know what shaving things does right? Anyhow EUREKA there it is for 7 dollars and some change the hair removal kit that will somehow change my life. I pick it up and pay for it and scurry home to get rid of this thing that was the hightlight of my 13 year old daughters day... OK i knew i had one before but only had to wax every 2 months which turned into every month which then turned into every 2 weeks what the heck? I thought that the more you wax the less the hair grows in right? WRONG !! I come home wash my face and apply liquid heat to my face after I spent the last 3 miniutes trying to get the crap to melt in the microwave and stir it with the tiny little spatula they gave me that have words printed on the side that tell you when its too hot! Well it should say STOP HOT AS HELL!! So I apply this stuff and it starts to harden. Its the stuff that you dont need strips for. It hardens and you yank! !!! Ok i Further make the mistake to walk out in the living room where ..... yes you guessed it my 13 year old was sitting. She looks at me and BUSTS OUT LAUGHING..... Elijah look at mom!!!! ok well i did look somewhat like a yellow fake eyebrow and yellow mustache kind of character out of a comic book. I look and I start to laugh as well...... OK well i am so glad i could make everyones day.. I go back to the hair removal masters dungeon we call the bathroom. And YANK.... OH MY @!@!@#$$%%^&***() YEOCH THAT HURTS !!! JUST IMAGINE? MY DAUGHTER STARTS TO LAUGH HYSTERICALLY AGAIN!!!!So ok i finish my business with a bright red face and aloe vera cream rubbed all over it.... Take a seat next to my daughter who looks at me in great approval gives me a hug and whispers in my ear you look beautifull mom but did you know? YOU HAVE A LONG HAIR GROWING FROM YOUR CHIN?...............OTHER WISE KNOWN AS MY BILLY GOAT HAIR!!..........WHERES THE TWEEZERS? OH BOTHER!!